"A new beginning"

Since Fiji is placed almost along the international date line, it means that I am one of the first people to see the new year :D

Every year I use resolutions to enhance or to prove myself. This year I have a few business goals....my ideas of expansion mostly.I commit myself to certain changes that will benefit me in some way. I haven't thought of anything but my spiritual health. My physical health hasn't been too good either. I still have a nasty cough and it refuses to go away. I still have some carrots in my garden and I have hope that my life will slowly piece together once I get back to basics.I still have this pain in my side.....but I will endure it as long as I know that my love is not lost! I am happy that I have become more committed to myself which is what I used to be.I still have a dark sadness that has settled over me but I'm slowly washing away the pain.....just like the rain that washes away the dirt on my window ...someone told me life is pain....I believe this to be a half truth. Life is pain but it can also be a beautiful thing :) I have experienced such beauty in my life and I have experienced so much love that I cannot believe that life is ALL pain and no gain....I gained so much from living....and I hope to gain a lot more in my life :) but I also like to share too :P

I'm looking at the publish button so I can hit it at exactly midnight.....that will make this one of the first posts, if not the first post this year :D

bloody hell my time zone was wrong :P oh well...nvm

"red meat is okay...but avoid blue-green meat"

My life and my progress has been halted by certain "developments" I believe I can get back on track but I know it will take a lot more effort to do so. I have been pondering my next few steps very carefully, it starts with an "ending" and a "new beginning" will follow it, the problem is.....the "ending" is dragging on like a woman getting dressed :P I have been unable to work on my new beginnings as yet but I figure I will just go ahead and wait for the ending later. This is not something easy, in fact it is one of the most complex situations since it involves emotions. Human emotion is one of the most complex entities on earth, I think.....it is human emotion that is responsible for the great things in the world but it is also human emotion that destroys most of the good things. I am just allowing myself to heal naturally and allowing time to pick up where I left off and to keep going, to endure all that life is throwing at me :) I feel good about myself for allowing "time" for others to respond to a situation. It is only fair. I do believe I can make a decent come back after this.....I am down but not out! :)

"when I finally got my head together...my body fell apart"

it has been a hard struggle to alleviate the things that hinder my progress....I have got my act together slowly and I am getting better :) I miss my family. It's just me and my bro now...we're taking care of ourselves.....it feels alright.

With the festive mood in the air, I got a gift from one of my valued customers :D He said he appreciates the service.......He is a diplomat and he loves his job and people :) I think he is cool. Well there are many things that have been lagging behind but my workouts are still going...I've ripped myself a good set of abs...hehe.....it's all coming along so well :)

And my carrots.....there's still 1 or 2 left. I will let it grow until it can grow no more.....or I run out of veggies....lol

I have given myself a lot of thinking space....I have also made a new friend :) but I still stay close to my old ones. There is so much I want to do and I am glad to do it. Work is slow as people wind down for their Christmas break. The stores are so capitalizing on this holiday...I bought a water purifying kit yesterday, but I still think I will buy FIJI water...

Anyway this is my $129 bottle of Scotch.........haha I thought it was cheap until my brother told me...."bro, this thing is expensive"....he would know...he's the alco:P...perhaps I'll sell it to him? haha or maybe not...I wanna drink it...it will make me feel expensive...lol......or just drunk :P

"some people say I'm superficial....but thats just on the surface"

Some idiot reported my youtube video so I had to change hosts. Anyway, I am not really a big fan of youtube....I am sad that Nathan is dead but I'm happy that I'm still alive.....I think? :P I have done a lot of working out lately...but my cough makes it hard to stand,just doing my lower abs because it helps with posture and "other things". I had no work yesterday(actually I had work but I didn't go...hehe) I will go and work on my friend C's computer.She hasn't got her data yet(apparently I have now become a data recovery expert of some sort to her...) I will do it, but it's not a priority. I thought I had no more carrots but I was wrong,there were some carrots that the monster didn't eat :P. I bought and awesome MONITOR!! :D A Mitsubishi/NEC Diamond Pro 2070SuperBright. It is soooooo humongus!! I love it to death.......awesome for video/photo/editing and artwork on illustrator and photoshop. OR just watching Heroes and Prison Break....oh and IT'S SOOOOOO BIG!! lol..........I am soooooo not used to having a monitor about the size of my TV! It's amazing.........okay here is a pic...my fingers are long...so that will indicate size...20 inches of pure viewing pleasure!!!!


it's just huge...and everything looks big....haha...I got it at an absolute steal :D under $200

"it is only the beginning"

I still feel a little unsteady but I have been hanging around my good friends :) that gives me comfort. Today is my Medical Examination and I am still sick with this cough thing. My mom pulled out the last of my carrots and she said there was nothing growing anyway :( Things just couldn't be worse for me but I keep a positive attitude...besides things can't get any worse, right? (usually does.....when you say that) anyhoo....I didn't only lose a dear friend I also lost a hero :( He was brave and he had the courage to tell the truth despite what it would cost him....little did he know, it would cost him his life! but he died a brave man and I admire him for that. He makes up for his past "selfishness" in full :)

Nathan....I love you!

"it's complicated"

My life has taken a complicated turn,based on a response by my gf. I just reacted and here I am.......listening to a song that now describes my love life....it's far from over, but I am staying strong. I have been used as a means to an end. I've been cheated and lied to.....I'm just giving up and walking away.....not exactly what I would normally do...BUT ...>>"IT'S COMPLICATED"

"wisdom is proven by application"

A huge span of time has passed since I updated my blog. There were many reasons behind this but the main reason is ME. I wasn't as dedicated, as honest, as decent as I was when I started writing this blog.I have sabotaged my own progress.Circumstances in my life had changed and along with it...me :( I hoped that this change would be for the better....I hoped for progress but instead I was going backward and this fact discouraged me and made me lose sight of my goals to improve myself.Here I am with everything seemingly lost and wasted....trying again to put the pieces of my life back together. I am happier now and I am relieved because I know that certain things in my life need attention. I have neglected part of me that has contributed so much to my personality but in realizing this I also realize the importance of my spirituality.I need to keep trying to do what is right....but sometimes our consciences and our thinking and our reasoning is so warped that we cannot make good solid decisions.So for me there is only one way I know to get back a good conscience :)

Today, I also heard some wisdom from a total stranger and what got to me was the fact that it took a stranger to get through to me....what my family and my friends have been trying to tell me for such a long time! I am going back to my family and friends because today I realized just how much they love and care about me :)

Cheers to Z:)

"Never let the facts get in the way of a good argument"

I've had crappy days,weeks,months and even years.....but they'll be there for me...when the rain starts to pour.....they'll be there for me....like they've been there before.....yeah the people I call my friends:) and a very special friend has been with me throughout this time :) Well I am feeling better these days but now one of my friends is dealing with some heartbreak issues :( it seems like a season of heartbreak for my girlfriend(thats my friend who happens to be a girl..hehe) She has been a good friend to me and now I just feel I need to be there for her. The world throws at us so many things and we just love to catch the good stuff but we also get a lot of crap and bad things...we don't like but I guess we need to deal with it coz it makes us stronger people :)

Thats a pic of moms gerbera...so beautiful:) my carrots can be seen on the bottom right hand corner....well...there is only one or two remaining now :( but......with beautiful flowers like this....it's no wonder mom pulled my carrots out :P

it all started with a headache!

Today I really do have to see a doctor.....I am sick...depressed and just can't seem to shake this all round "lousy" feeling :( I think it has to do with the work I've been doing....I've been working so hard to become a better person.....and the moment I stop trying....I lose myself, my identity as a Christian hangs in by a thread! What really bothers me is how much work I stand to lose if I let myself stay in this deplorable state....my efforts to be a better person seems futile against my tendency to be "bad" to be just like all the "bad boys" out there.....I used to be sickened by people like that....but hanging around more girls who love bad boys...I just wanna show off I guess....congratulations man! you are now a fully fledged idiot :) I don't know how I got into this mess(so I keep saying) but I know deep inside me that I chose this and now I have to deal with it. The choices we make can affect others around us.....but it will greatly affect us, because we are the ones making the decision. I had my mom try to help me...my gf tried to help me too....but I fear that their efforts have been in vain :( This cloud of doom and emotional uncertainty now hangs over my head once again. I know of only one place that can comfort me....and only 1 person in the universe that can give me the strength and wisdom needed to pull myself out of this hole I have dug myself into!

"I'm not overweight, I'm chocolate enriched "

I had the biggest headache EVER! yesterday.....it hurt so bad I had to stay in bed...to deal with the pain:( It was sooo sudden that I had planned and made arrangements to be at work at 9:30am but......at around 9am I started feeling a knife in my head....it hurt like hell.....but me, being a man :P I just brushed it off...yeah RIGHT! it turned me into a wuss :P lol.....I was immobilized by this nuisance...I couldn't work, I couldn't even chat to my friends :( I was stuck at home so...>I didn't meet M......I am feeling a bit better today....I went to see a doctor :P and this is my sick sheet:)
yep...thats my doctor...lol!

"Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?"

Maybe it's a sign? :P

On Friday in the middle of my mad rush to make a living...and to get some food, I came across a sign...it really stood out and I had such a dream when I saw it :) anyway, I took a pic but I soon forgot about it....I haven't been updating my life...I feel like I'm falling behind on everything and the world is whizzing past me :( Today was a delightful day though, I met someone "unexpected" :) actually, she met me :) I was called in to sort out some email issues but I rushed to get to hospital this morning so I didn't have...bf, so I popped into my favorite fast food joint...to visit my uncle Ronnie again, ordered a bf meal and sat down to eat....I was halfway through my ELT burger when I felt someone touch my right arm...it was a familiar warm touch...ahem:P I turned to see M :) she still looks great! I hadn't seen her in ages....she is now busy with work...as one of the graphic artists for our local daily. She seemed so "vibrant" and "carefree" as usual :) She asked me for a few things to do with her computer....so it seems like I have more worked lined up for me!..uhm...yay.....I have to negotiate a good ISP package for another customer of mine....many things to do....so little time...I expect everything to run......yeah...just run...I don't expect anything to run smoothly...but somedays...it can be happen!...lol




bf: breakfast
ELT: Egg Lettuce Tomato

"be yourself...no one else wants the job"

I have been busy lately and there is much potential for growth in my business (according to my friend/accountant;)....but I don't want to make a great expansion....great expansions come at great cost :S I want to make good decisions but good decisions often need good reasoning and lots of good advice.We all can get easily misguided by people who may seem wise.I have to consider so many things before I make any serious moves for expansion.I am quite happy with what I have now and I am in my comfort zone.....I do take risks, but only calculated risks :P I have found something special, a person I can be myself around.....and feel so relaxed with :D I am glad I have such a close friend! Anyway, my gardening has been pushed to the background....but I had a dream about my carrots last night...freeaky! I was there with my friends wife(I know this seems strange but we were all friends until he broke the rule we had and married another one of our friends..we were pretty close) she is still fun to be around. So there I was in a FIELD of carrots.I started pulling my carrots out and they were so tiny....feelings of disappointment filled my soul :( I was truly disheartened....but then I had an idea to transplant them...so away we went transplanting the carrots...hmm...could this be a way that plants communicate with their owners? CARROTS: please Fila...transplant us! we need to be moved...we need more space..your moms flowers are suffocating us....hurry, or else we will shrink and become so tiny, it would make you cry!:P FILA: okay little fellas, lets put you somewhere free :) GO the carrots! YAY!! haha so ends the story of the farmer boy and his silly little carrots :P will update soon with pics if I do decide to do the transplant :)

"......................"

I've been very happily going along with my life....just "free falling" my way through....I have had bad days but I just keep moving coz...every day has it's own worries,so I just worry about each day, and consider my goals for my future...a balanced view of life makes me happy :) I am working out a lot more...Yeah Silvie...I get tense sometimes :P I am usually a happy camper though....I have made so many new friends and got to know a few old friends:) I got an email from my Aunt, she is in Hawaii...asking for my Dad's email addy...she was so happy to receive a reply from me :) I am very focussed now....I have been working really hard, trying to solve some of the most mind-boggling IT problems around. I had to call the Techies at www.kidanet.com.fj their email server was down and it affected most of my customers...you won't believe how frustrating it is to be unable to help them since it was an ISP problem...I called the ISP and liased with them...they need backup servers for mission critical email systems...the other option is to host my own email server for my customers...I always strive to take care of them! I love working with some of my customers...even on a personal level, they are good people....I would work for free...coz I love my job..but nothing in this world is free :( If the world was run in LOVE currency, it would be a much better place :D

"The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen!"

The future is something I am deeply concerned about, not just my future but those I care about....my brothers future looks pretty grim, and I want to help him make good decisions...like some of my friends he has a different attitude towards his future...my future is full of hope as I keep working on myself, trying to improve every aspect of my life.....and my personality. It is certainly not easy but I keep trying :) true, I can never become perfect :P but I will bloody well try! lol....I had been going out on "dates" as someone liked to call it, with girls I am close to....they are good company, funny :P but I realize that I don't really enjoy being around people who don't respect my views and don't have the same outlook on life as I do. I did not choose my companions too well....but I only realized this later on.Then there are my really good buddies :) they're the best....I enjoy their company because they understand my values,and my standards. It is true that they do not share my values or standards but I am glad that they respect them :) I have been working out, exercising my core (abdominal muscles) with great results I must say....it makes me want to work harder :P but I only exercise to relieve a certain tension....and to take a break from the crazy world that surrounds me. I want to try doing walks, either in the morning or afternoon..there are so many people who do that here.....It's a great way to meet people :D but I just don't have the energy for that :( not in the afternoon at least....I haven't had time for my language stuff....just the Norwegian language..which I only learn when my I chat with my Norwegian friend...pressure helps people to learn :P hahaha....let me rephrase..."pressure helps lazy people to work hard" :D that's an original Fila quote :)


PS: Carrots still growing! w00t!

"If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly"

I had a full day yesterday, worked my crazy behind off.....had 2 appointments at very close intervals...so close that I had to cancel the first one, one BIG email issue, and lunch with LN....had to meet a girl too(my ex-close friend :P) then had to see my brother coz I had a friend working for their company.....she was lonely without me...haha no, she just wanted me to be around coz she is new in that place...and I knew everyone(I already did introductions, what more do you want? :P) but, if I had not been busy I would have stayed with her :) get my travel stuff done.....it was so chaotic in my mind yesterday...I need a secretary :P but it is dangerous, statistics show that most bosses end up in office relationships (or affairs) with their secretaries...lol. Lets put that idea in the "not gonna work for me" basket! Anyway, there is nothing a secretary can do that I can't....right? hmmmmm....okay maybe I could go with a male secretary.....eeeeeww no way! The thought of all the male secretaries I know just flashed before my eyes....and it is NOT a pretty sight :P there is a voice inside me at this point thats screaming..."YOU CAN DO IT!" and I'm like.....nah, I can't even organize a meal...yes, unfortunately, I can't cook,even if I were starving...mom always said. There is food all around you and you're starving? haha.....I would die in a world of food if it's not cooked :P that's why I have new found respect for raw vegetables :D haha....cheers WILSON :P you're welcome.....keep your PC safe from dust monsters and get yourself that UPS system man,regards to the Mrs and the little cutie :)

"not out of the woods yet...."

I have been so busy lately, focussing my excess energy and time into helping my friends and saving up to see my sister :) I bought a new Hard Drive 250GB Serial ATA drive, to store my prison break episodes and my heroes :P this was the most comprehensive upgrade this year on my system....I accidentally wiped my boot drive :( lost all my pics.....including ones of blondie ;) I also lost some major data for my business.....it was a HUGE mess but I'm recovering what I can now......I still haven't got my travel stuff done, but a friend of mine told me I should do it quickly....so today I will be going to do my bookings. I am glad this drive is working so well, superfast :D and 250GB space is so much! I just hope my other hardware (which is about 3 years old) doesn't fail on me. Anyway, everything is happening so fast now for me, I have so many wonderful new people in my life :) and I am thankful for my old friends, they've stuck by me through my most difficult times :) I am truly blessed!

"an act of compassion and kindness" :)

Yesterday it was pouring....we had the worst rain in a while,it had been an unusually dry,wet season this year.I was crossing the street in the middle of the city with my umbrella when I noticed that there were these three girls staring at me....smiling and giggling away.Was there something on my shirt,on my face? lol...no, they wanted my umbrella....haha...although I didn't immediately pick that up :P I was busy coz I had M's computer to work on but I just stopped and looked at these three girls shivering in the rain...I felt so mushy inside...I smiled and asked if they would like to cross the street under my umbrella...they were delighted and so I took 2 of them first and made my way back across the street and left them under the shelter of one of the buildings then slowly made my way back....to pick up the other girl who felt a litte left out :( hehe....as I was crossing back I realized that there were other people who were waiting out the rain too on the otherside...watching me,as I took the time out to help these three girls out cross the street :) I was only too happy and they were too! They kept thanking me......I just smiled at them with a BIG "you're welcome" smile :D This is one of those picture perfect moments in my life!! I have many moments that touch my life and build my life....they are don't happen very often.I will always treasure this one:)

"when the rain begins to fall,you are the sunshine in my life"

I am back at it....back at blog,blog,blog..lol.....instead of taking all my problems sitting down, I am facing the things I fear most...."face your fears,live your dreams" yeah it's a sports logo or something.....but I think I am actually progressing instead of regressing into a sorrowful state...thanks to my beautiful and wonderful new friend,her words always give me comfort and keep my spirits high :) thanks S.....I will ask if I can put her name up later....I may not be in contact with her often....but just enough to keep me going and to be positive and look to the future, when we will be neighbors ;) @S: "I will borrow your sugar okay?" It's as sure as the hope that I have that things will be better....I have more work scheduled for Monday....I need to rest more coz...I'm more active these days.The weeds in my garden are overgrown...but it's nothing I can't fix....weedkiller on hand :P the weeds look much better than the carrots..lol pics later :)

"You'll learn something everyday...if you're not careful."

most times we learn by making mistakes...by doing things the wrong way until someone shows us the right way....I learned so much yesterday....about myself and about others. Whatever we learn, we need to apply in our lives....and always stay positive. Whatever decisions we make, we need to stick to them.I would consider myself a person with principles,but lately I had lost all sense of them!:(....I know that my principles are beneficial for me! As hard as they are to follow, I do follow them with the view of something better. I have been avoiding the heartache involved in making the tough calls...deciding the BIG decisions in my life. I know that this is my weakness but I keep trying to work at it. I hope that I can realize the joy that is received from "sticking to my guns" to my principles no matter how hard or inconvenient they are! I am happy that I have the support of my friends and my family and that there are people who understand my principles and even more who accept them :) Today I may have lost 2 friends just because I was trying to apply myself to my standards...but I gained a good friend who truly understands me and knows what I am going through....who appreciates the spiritual person inside me..that is all I ever wanted! :)

Home Sweet Home! :)

I am finally home.....I miss the sunshine though, on my way here I was on a bus and they played "free Willy,the movie...then as the movie was about to end, the girl behind me said "free Willy 2" sure enough,the second movie was "free Willy 2" we laughed ourselves silly :P I thought they were locals but she said she is from Suva....we got off but I didn't get her name....I will run into her soon enough,Suva is a small place :) I got a call from my contractor, he told me that I have been "cordially invited" to a cocktail party :D by this chic I met, she was giving me looks ;) hehe.....funny, thing is, I don't think they invited the guy I did the job for, I mean I only saw her once....something Kathy suggested really got me thinking....but nah, no one is secretly interested in me....even if they were I'm not worth it :P I went to see my best friend K at the office, she was working late so I got her some lunch which just made so happy!(so happy she said she loved me as a friend :P) I also FINALLY met her bf....H who didn't seem as pleased to meet me :( Anyway we had a good time talking....I am happy to be back home,where the internet is fast and convenient...and I can stay up late chatting to my friends :P

"I've got one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow,which explains why I'm legless today"

I have such a joyful attitude...I have accomplished so much and I know I will accomplish much more :) I am happy that my dad is leaving for work in Liberia...yes, I know, what a thing to be happy about, Oh, if you only everyone knew what it is like to be me :P I am happy because, he is first of all..opposed to my preaching work...and he never likes mom going out(like that's ever stopped her..hehe). I will miss him though, no question about that....but I would not be too sad or upset, because I know he should be back next year. I wish him well, I know he wanted to do this last service for the Force before he retires, so I have no objections to his aspirations and I respect the fact that he has provided for me all these years...he is not that bad a dad when I come to think of it...he is a good man :) I don't harbor resentment or hate him for his bad and sometimes, totally blunt and tactless advice..lol :) I am happy for him because I know this is something he wants to do....and it's for my family and his dad back home on my island. I will be going to the airport this week then to the sunny West :D I will be out of touch with the world for a while...so not much on this blog...but I will pre-post my other blog...because it is more important! "My life may be falling to pieces but,amazingly,the pieces seem to be falling in the right place" :) LN will laugh at that one....he knows I make my own quotes...hehe. I will leave my carrots for a while but, they seem to be doing well on their own...if only kids were the same :P I hope to see those lovely twins again sometime and call my two best friends... I miss her heaps, I have to work my a** off if I am going to see my sister later this year, and I have been so busy.....but yeah,this is relaxing for me.........just BLOGGING :) blog..blog,blog blog...errr...blog blog...blog :) have a blogoed dag :P

"Total strangers need love too,and I'm stranger than most"

My carrots are flourishing! :) It has been a beautiful week for me....I love the western side of my island, the tourists are nice :P I would live there if I had a home there.The environment is natural, the hotels are>>WOW!!!<<<> :P I feel more confident these days, I know that my life will be good, as long as I keep everything in their place- my family, my friends, my job,my first love, my second love, my spiritual health, my physical health. Oh yeah, and my mental health is okay too :P (Not necessarily in the listed order)I have another job in the Western side of the main island...gonna I love working there...just not too keen on the travelling..it takes about 4hours to get there...I could fly there in less than an hour but it costs so much. I will just take the scenic route :) I love seeing the mountains and the valleys...I also have a strange fascination with twins :P I think it's freaky and kinda cool that someone actually shares your DNA...interesting....a little weird, but still interesting :P I missed my new best friend while I was away...and Kathy too :) I had the best time chatting to her the other day :) I will try to give them a call sometime. I have been busy with work and with all these little changes in my schedule and my life. I just want everything to be good :) I didn't have much time to work on my Espanol and my Nederlands but I will soon, Anyway, another thing that I'm happy about is the growth of my carrots :) Just as I promised here are the pics :D >>>>>>>>>>>>>

A special attachment :)

Me and Uncle Ronnie :P
Work is done but I don't want to go home :( I will leave tomorrow but I know I'll be back :) I visited uncle Ronnie in Nadi (v)......it's a beautiful town.HOTEL Central.....everywhere you turn there are tourists and hotels....there is a certain buzz in the air! People are so friendly here...it's no wonder tourists love Fiji :) I had so much fun at the airport playing with the automated water dispensers(taps to the ordinary people :P) I miss my home coz the internet is faster and more reliable there...I miss my family but I love this place...I could actually see myself setting up shop here and living here :)

a new environment

I sent a message to my new best friend,letting her know that I was leaving....I had a good time traveling on the tourist bus....J and I were on our way to the airport,she was leaving to Samoa to watch the SPG and see her bf. I am now in Lautoka...miles away from the comfort of my home....working...and having a great time sight seeing in a place that is mostly new to me :) I miss K and her friend E, who is going to Canada for her brother's wedding...maybe she will meet Kathy? who knows....I enjoyed watching Fiji beat Samoa winning the Gold medal in Rugby! GO FIJI! and those Tahitian VB players....I have to finish a few more installations and then go back home.....I love my job :) I miss my carrots though, I will get back to see them this afternoon or tomorrow....I got paid and I wanna hit the town and see what's selling in sugar city!...cherio:)

I have a new best friend!

I only had a single best friend for so long........this was a real friend, he was important to me and I know that I was just as important and influential in his life...but today someone else called me their best friend,it was a pleasant surprise :) I have always had one best friend all along(a guy) since I thought that is what the term implies..BEST meaning Better then the rest! that means no one else compares....but I think we all can have more than one best friend now :) I always felt your best friend should be the same sex as you are...because two people of the opposite sex as best friends....can easily become intimate! I have many friends who a women but I don't consider them to be intimate associations...only ONE-Kathy,I consider her to be my best female friend. But now that I feel like I'm losing her too.....I miss her company so much! :(

my new best friend's message really touched my heart...she truly appreciates my friendship :) "Thanks for caring,you're a good person and I am lucky to have you in my life! I consider you special in my life and I am privileged to have you as one of my best friends" FINALLY! someone who truly appreciates me! I just feel like I am not being noticed by the people I love the most! Maybe it's work, maybe it's business....maybe it's me!! :( ALL I know is I am dying inside...from a lack of love :( but I will survive on the outside...if I keep eating my veggies :P I am happy though...just keep on moving, keep on progressing :)

"If at first you don't succeed,you'll get lots of advice"

I had a huge argument with Kathy this morning..people are so unpredictable sometimes....I choose not to let that get to me. I am happy still and I think I will get over this or over her very easily in my current state of mind. I am stronger emotionally now and I am in a better position to make a good decision. I just need to have all the facts right. I have been getting facts that just don't add up.....it makes me doubtful.I just don't know anymore and I will leave it at that.

I am glad my carrots are finally growing and so is my money tree :P I am saving up for a visit to my dearest sister...I miss her so much and I want to see her again soon! The boss lady called me, I need to go and see them about something...it's always something with them :P but I don't mind I do my job gladly and with passion! :) I live my life from my heart and that leaves no room for regrets!

Carrot pics coming soon:)

"Never let your feet run faster than your shoes"

I met an old friend today...I hadn't seen her in ages....she is studying to be a doctor...so she asked me: "how are you?" and so I started telling her my medical status :P she laughed and said "I mean how are you..generally?" lol that is what we did...laugh out loud...the sick people in the hospital must have wanted to stone us! I really did miss her, we talked about mutual friends we had and what they were up to...about her medical studies...and life in general! I do love talking to people....some more than others :P My day just could NOT go wrong after that! I am still having a great time now....I didn't mind the pain in my injection...coz I was having a good day..lol everything seemed to go so well today, I called Kathy and she was happy....things are going so well, I don't want to say: it is so good that nothing can spoil my day! LOL! usually thats when something does :P but nah! today is MY DAY!!!happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy

"Today is a day for making firm decisions....or is it?"

I am indecisive when it comes to "complicated" matters...or when I am not sure what to do in a situation.I keep changing my mind...but eventually I do make the right decision :) I am glad that my veggies are growing....and so is my popularity...a friend of mine thinks I am high profile :P because I have my own business...it's crazy! I just want to be a normal humble person. What I do shouldn't matter. But the society we live in places so much value on education and social status. People go through great lengths to educate themselves with the methods of "work" then they try to make as much money as they can....then they die! What a life to live! I am happy that I am not like that...the money I make I use to help others learn about God and to support my SIMPLE but PROGRESSIVE;) life! I love my life now...and I hope to live a very long life:)

"The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits"

I had given up and the clock stopped...at 12:37 today :S I am not that disappointed...everyone has their limits..I am still happy about this because it still helps me to determine my limits and if you can determine your limits you can know your potential :) I really missed Kathy...was probably a factor in my giving up....I have been frustrated all this while...because while there were things that were going well in my life..there was one thing that wasn't so good.My love life which until 2days ago had almost cooled off:( I was deeply grieved by something I never expected to feel bad about...I sorted things out and now I can breathe easy :).I am happy my carrots are finally looking like carrots today....I will keep pushing myself to see where my "PROGRESS" will eventually lead me :)

Today I'm listening to this song.....Heartbreaker by Blue Lagoon

"The temptation to quit will be greatest just before you are about to succeed."

Can women sniff out a single guy? hmmm...I wouldn't know but I have certainly had my fair share of interests lately and it doesn't help the little experiment I am conducting on myself. I totally agree with the above words....grrrrrrrrrr......I am calm :P I will try and stay focussed on my goals and keep things rolling :)

I had a friend and his girl come by to my place and ask me out to go with them out clubbing...I had this urge to go.....I politely declined but I ended up having a good conversation with him and his girlfriend....I thanked him for coming all the way to my door...I KNOW how hard that is sometimes...even if it's your friends door :P he asked me for my cell number and he said if I change my mind I should call him...I don't think I really miss the clubbing scene although I know it's full of younger people now..maybe my clubbing days have passed and I am too old :P either way I am happy I don't waste money buying drinks for beautiful ladies and making out with strange women....I really think I have made PROGRESS :)

my feelings on this one cannot be very clearly expressed....because it's all mixed up...hopefully this does not impact me negatively, but I know this will allow me to evaluate myself more and see if I need to improve in any way regarding...flirting(with those I have no real interest in)..it's a common thing on the internet, because you can do it anonymously....I've seen it in full exhibit on social networking sites....I am not going to name any site in particular but MAILFRIENDS is a word that I just want to post....lol...people are just shamelessly flirting all over...are we breeding a new generation of internet heartbreakers? I don't know but I fear the worst...they say if you can't beat them join them....I can say this with so much authority because I have been on those sites and I have had a problem with it and I hope to overcome this....I have gone socialnet "cold turkey" :P but I only joined a dating site(because I am now single again :).....and I realize how widespread this "trend" is...especially with single people...I certainly am interested in this trend...so I will study it further :) LOL I feel like I should write a paper on this....more in my next issue :)

It has been a hard 60 days 1 hour 16 minutes and 50 seconds for me but I am happy for containing myself...and all this erratic and unpredictable emotion for all this time..indeed I am so close to making it to a two month anniversary :) hehe..if you're wondering what I am referring to....er....keep wondering ;) I feel good about myself but I know it only just gets worse unless I learn to deal...tomorrow is my official two months and it is amazing how much the above quote becomes true as the hours pass. I was happy that Kathy helped me this morning by being inattentive :) but I wonder how long I can keep this up....I thought I would fail after a month but looks like I can keep going...despite all the thoughts in my head...I am still going strong! We can do anything...if we just put our minds to it :)

"everyone is gifted,some just open their package sooner "

Well...it's been too long since I've update my blog...so long that MY CARROTS ARE STARTING TO GROW!!! HURRAY!!! YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol..note to self:"keep it down man you'll wake the internet boogie man" shhhhhhhhhhh anyway I have cute little shoots growing in my vegetable garden...that..I er...suspect are carrots...I hope they're carrots...yes they ARE!! I have proven my mom wrong :) (I'm expecting the world to turn upside down right now) Mom's is always right..it's like a golden rule or something but I am so happy that I have.....errr....something growing in my garden :) too early to tell if they're carrots but I think they are....after all...I've seen grass and that's definitely not grass. I have not planted this variety before...in high school I only planted the common variety not these ones...it says "top weight" yeah, I think it means...looks like grass :P or maybe "all the weight of the carrot is on the top"?? anyway...I have proof :) I'm not a failure....see..I plant carrots..lol

Mommy's precious flowers....I don't have the heart to rip them out of the ground anymore...they're so beautiful :)

everyone is gifted,some just open their package sooner

My garden is coming along well :) and I am 71Kgs...it was my laundry day yesterday...because I didn't have any calls(or so I thought!)..I worked on my garden picking out the weeds..ever mindful of my precious little carrots :) I am actually growing carrots and I have proof :P this is my unfinished blog update...I was interrupted by WORK :S lol..I hate work..there must be a way not to earn a living...everything just falls from the sky...food...actually in bible times...God fed his people in this way.I love my job anyway, but I have little time for myself and the people I care about..who's bright idea was it to invent money anyway? lol..Chinese people were the first to use paper currency...I'm glad I don't have any calls today (looks at phone to see if it rings) :) I'm so glad! :P

"Life-10% what you make it and 90% how you take it"

I went for a job interview yesterday...last less than 20 mins :P and I got the job :D....it's exactly what I love doing. PC Hardware oriented and I realized it was exactly what I'm doing right now. I will discuss this matter further with these people and see how it goes. I still want to work for myself because they will not be able to pay me as much :( but I would benefit greatly from the experience I can gain from there...but giving this second thought, I guess, I need more time for other things. This job will suck out the time in my life and the freedom to use my time in the way I want to. I haven't been under "management" since I left Hp Invent in 2005. I enjoy making my own decisions and solutions, but this job looks promising and lucrative. I also want to support my existing customers...what happens to them? I will not give my customers to these people to take care of, I have worked so hard to gain the confidence and trust of my client base....maybe it is better if I did run an escort service ;) lol anyhoo...big decision...hope it goes as well as my carrot patch :P I see carrot shoots :)

There is no excuse for laziness,but given the time I'm sure I can come up with one

I was not doing any work today....just roaming around and I get paid for it :P I wasn't lazy I insisted that I do something instead of walking around....amazing what some people would do for company :) haha...it was fun turning heads today....maybe I can make more money running an escort service...not my thing really. My momma raised me to earn my money. I feel happy that I have sorted many things in my life :) and...I am heavier :) I am now 70 Keys WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!! It was sooo good seeing the scale go up over my expectations...many people in my life also went beyond my expectations too. I haven't worked on my garden but I can see some tiny shoots...we'll see. I love my life now, I am sure that this is how it was meant to be....I am happy with all that I have done today and I know tomorrow will be better :D it's a field day for me....WOW!!! I have sorted many things in my life and in my love life as well, although there are some pending issues. I am happy with my PROGRESS!!! W00t! :D

"If it weren't for the last minute,things would never get done!"

work,Work,WORK!! I had a hard day today but....it ended well :) I had a beautiful lady pay for my lunch :) at Mc Dees ....I'm loving it :P I was actually expecting something and someone else but it was nice for a change having a woman buy me lunch...I mean...is there a universal rule that says "the guy always has to pay?" Haha...yes, I'm setting myself up for a storm. I am happy that I finished my work but I regret not working on my garden today...I will check to see when those darn seeds will start sprouting...should be around 6 days...only time will tell. I talked business with my lady friend...boring :P then back to work....I will get paid again tomorrow :D It seems like everything is falling into place in my life! Except for one thing that is a little out of place.Kathy....I don't quite know how to fit her into my life....but I still want her to be a part of my life but just not a MAJOR part of my life.decisions....decisions!

ya te saqué de mi corazón

"I've already removed this love from my heart" but not completely,to do this will take time. I am occupying myself with a vegetable garden...which is actually my mom's flower garden that I turned upside down...she isn't too happy about that but I managed to negotiate a deal :) I will look after her "precious" Gerberas in exchange for letting me have my way with her garden :P hehe...this will be FUN! :D I was an agriculture student in high school and I won the prize for the highest score :) Now it's time to prove that. I am planting Carrots (Daucus carota ssp. sativus.) first and then Cabbages (Brassica Chinsesis)..the Chinese variety as the Latin name suggests.I had fun eating the carrots in my high school garden :P Sorry Mrs. Nand (my agricultural science teacher) I do regret not pursuing this field of study further...but that's only because it wasn't practical for me at that time...unless I lived in the countryside or the highlands..but I guess this knowledge comes in handy when you want to explore Vegetarianism if there is such a word.I have been on a veggy diet the last few weeks and I do feel healthy as a result, this drives me to eat my greens....just like momma used to say :P Anyway....My mom said my veggies won't grow....SAYS YOU!! I do believe that I will be able to grow these delicious plants..yum yum! I will post pics of progress....or FAILURE!! aaaaahhhhhhh!! It's not enough that my family will laugh at me...the world will too :) I don't mind, humor is the spice of life :D

My online misery - a poem about my recent tragedies

Each day I awake to her thoughts
Each night I dream a way into her life
I take my pain away by telling myself that she is all I need
I deal with my life behind the thought of her in my life
I live knowing she is there for me
But the truth is far from the world I have created in my mind
Far from the life I live online
The reality of life is more than words on a screen
The reality of love is more than just a phone call and 3 spoken words
With this reality I have become true to myself
With this life I have become real to the people around me
I live no longer for myself but for him that sent me
I love no longer the world but those who truly love me
I seek honesty to take away these lies
I seek justice to take away this pain
I show love to take away the hate that is in this world
I take my life as a reality that I have created, by the one who created all things
Listen to my heart, it cries, as I try to undo the damage that has been done
Listen to these words, they describe my online misery

Things are looking up ;)

Finally things are looking good :) I am happy today,must be that beautiful sunshine! I am happy because I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do about the cause of my sorrow and sadness....just gotta shake this feeling off and keep moving in my life :) It helps when I have good music to help ease my pain...well, it is a sad song but it makes me happy when I sing it....and sing it I do....sang it all day, can't get it outa my head.....helps move things along ;)

I am indulging myself in the simple pleasures of my life...choosing to spend the day reading,writing and learning my language...listening to my Dutch lessons, spanish will follow later.EATING :D I keep doing that to help me grow....cut my hair, that was funny.....lol but I look much more like a happy person now, pics will follow.

here's the song I've been learning to sing perfectly :) - taken of his new album Insomniac, Enrique with "somebody's me" :) loooove thiss sonng ;)

you
do you remember me?
like, i remember you?
do you spend your life going back in your mind to that time?
cause i
i walk the streets alone
i hate being on my own
and everyone can see that
i really fell
and i'm going through hell.
thinking about you with somebody else.

somebody wants you,
somebody needs you. somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody cant breathe, without you its lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
yeaa...

how,
how did we go wrong?
it was so good, and now its gone.
and i pray at night, that our passing will cross.
what we hide, isn't lost.
cause you are always right here in my thoughts..


somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you'll see,
that somebody's me.
oh yeah.

you will always be in my life
even if im not in your life.
cause you're in my memory.
you, will you remember me?
and before you set me free,
oh listen please...

somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that someday you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
oh yea...

A long hard day ends well?

Haad the worrst day eveer.....just felt so depressed today...but tomorw should bring a biger smile to my face....still crying.....still upset...still messed up....oilei :(

"Life is a jigsaw puzzle......without the picture on the box"

Another beautiful day and I am happy that Kathy is happy and on holiday, I miss her though but I think this is good for me.....to stop crying and be a man! haha....well I am still sad, it feels like she is leaving me...but I am happy because she may meet someone :)
Anyway, I have been working on some new ways to productively and effectively use my time so that I can increase my earnings in a week. I was disappointed that I usually do not get paid on time....due to my "niceness" so I have resolved to be calm yet firm and to deal with these issues in a reasonable manner. Most other businesses especially those I deal with have a constant struggle trying to get their dues on time.....I can see that some parts of my approach to my business may need some adjustments. I have also planned to increase the quality of my work by doing more studies and developing more skills....so far I am only looking at some of these vendor specific training which is something that will help me to better support my customers :)

Progress...hindered?

I went back to my old habits....drinking with an old friend.....guess its true,old habits do die hard! I was upset and I still feel a little bad, not about drinking too much, that was a weakness but what this led me to do! my thoughts went back to Kathy...I called her,I felt that all the effort, all the progress I had made, had been destroyed.I'm also pissed off about the cost of my drinking spree....$120 down the drain...or to be more precise my toilet,some of it..hehe. iamsuchanidiot.

I was so disappointed in myself for this because I had been working on my "strategy" to fall out of love with someone....I heard that women use a "strategy" to make someone fall in love with them....yeah, thats probably easier than falling out of love with someone.It helps to know that there are major differences in our personalities...but I am always looking for excuses....there is no other reason except our religious differences.

Kathy suggested that I seek, professional help....lol! I have the best help available....why pay someone to tell you something about yourself that you already know? honestly, thats what they do....you sit or lay there and talk to yourself...lol
I have knowledge of the bible and it has helped me to get to know myself better....but talking to Kathy also helped me see what I was doing wrong, she was my psychiatrist ...;) truly, she knows me more intimately than any human and I have identified that I am such a sissy! yep...I am so afraid of pain...haha,there I've said it. I didn't want this to hurt so I tried to comfort myself by seeking the company of people who could replace her....I realize that she is irreplaceable, however, I know that I can still get over her. I feel much better talking to myself.My strategy was a failure...but not totally...I think it is working slowly.I had planned to stop expressing my love in any form.Surely, no one can love you back if you don't love them,right? I was so wrong...even if you tell them you hate them...that don't work...I've tried it!but it helps me to deal....I feel that it can work...human love is not a perfect love, it requires maintenance, it requires assurance and if you take that away...it will slowly die.I can feel a loss of love and I think she feels it too.

BUT I guess the only real way forward for me is to BE hurt....to feel sad...to accept that as long as our difference exists....we will never be together :( The cold hard truth is sobering but I know that lies are what I've been telling myself....trying to pretend I don't feel the way I do.....it has ended up in my frustration.I have been doing the work that matters most in my life, this selfless expression of my love for others is refreshing!....I am no longer trying to replace the huge empty space inside me with undesirable things.I have sought forgiveness and I am back on my feet and trying to move on with my life and PROGRESS! Even though, my progress may be hindered...it has NOT stopped!

still stuck :(

I got my injection yesterday, it was a real pain in the a** :P literally! hehe....I also weighed myself yesterday and I was still the same weight :( 68K I think it is because I am still under emotional stress...I sure hope this will go away soon and I can reach my former ideal weight of 74K anyway, I got another message from Kathy and this time she asks me a few questions that she already knows the answer to....but for the sake of getting over this, I did not answer. I am sorry that I cannot be there for her like I used to, but I think that after the worst is over...she will be fine. I feel so crushed with each message but, I am determined to do what I have decided to do. I feel so empty physically but emotionally,I have the support of my friends and family to help me get through this and my work to keep me busy.I only hope that she finds comfort in this difficult time.

another journey begins!

I got a message from Kathy and it made me feel so sad...but I knew not to reply....if she was ever going to get over me, and if I am going to move on,this is what I needed to do....It doesn't hurt as much now because I have filled the void in my life with God and my dear friends...and because I am keeping myself busy. I am feeling happy about my progress and I have to put some goals up and then make a positive move towards attaining them! Emotionally, I am still not in a good state to make any goals,but I will put up some ideas and some thoughts on how I plan to fulfill certain objectives I have in mind.....er...uhm...tomorrow :P
I definitely need to work on my procrastination...it is a major weakness I hope to eradicate completely! :S

my long journey ends ;)

finally I am home, tired but happy! had the best 3 days ever! I truly feel blessed!

I remember everything that you were to me.....

For the sake of her privacy, which she is very particular about! I will refer to my former lover as Kathy throughout my blog.

It is the first day and I am in the process of restoring myself after a messy breakup,no matter how hard you try and make it easy or clean, you never can end it in a nice way or quickly :( There is NO nice way to end a relationship that is very intimate. I remember how intimate we got, and I remember being unsure, feeling rushed, she never really understood why I felt that way, since I didn't really try to tell her :( because I wanted her so much, my heart was leading me away from what I knew.Indeed,based on my knowledge of the bible, which I had left well behind me, when pursuing what my heart wanted. I cannot serve my God and yet pursue what my heart wanted. Serving God is a selfless path, the total opposite of doing what I want. I have tried to reason with her, she has failed to see reason,her values are different from mine..Today I bought a blank DVD to put away all my memories of her, I have to look at it again :( to select what I need to remove from my computer.

I am burning these memories away
crying these tears away
hoping that someday
Love will find a way

I am leaving my fears behind
turning to God who is kind
hoping one day she will find
the savior of mankind

I know it will not be easy
so I keep myself ever so busy
In my work and in my ministry
trying to retain my negative,positivity

I live not for myself but for my Father now
no longer for the present, the "here and now"
I do his will and in his name I profess
I know this decision my God will bless

If this is really the bitter end so be it
for what comes after is said to be sweet
If this is only the beginning then let it be
For only God can judge this love between you and me!

Burn process completed successfully! Total Size 1.774 Gigabytes Total Time: 6:52

I wish it would rain :'(

Sunshine,blue skies,please go away...my love has found another, and with her went my future
And day after day I stay locked up in my room :(
I know to you it might sound strange but I wish that it would rain
wash away the sorrow and pain

It hurts so badly I wanna stay outside
Coz everyone knows that I'm not supposed to cry
I've got to cry coz crying eases my pain
All this hurt I feel inside words can't even explain
I just wish it would rain, wash away this pain

The anguish of my distant pain thrust against my window pane
My heart searches the skies desperately for rain
If I can hide my tear drops no one would ever know
That I'm crying, crying each time I walk out the door

Everytime I look up to the skies, what do I see?
The raindrops from the heavens they're falling down on me
what do I have to do to end this crazy mess and pain
The hurt and memories they're still driving me insane
God tell me,what I have to do to make it right
Stop this heartache this struggle and this strife
I wish it would rain especially tonight
Let me feel the teardrops gushing down my eyes
Can you please just let it rain
wash away my tears and pain.....

Dedicated to the source of my pain and tears :(

I am a Work In Progress :)

This blog is about my personal life and my attempts to be a better person. My goals, my dreams and my plans. I consider myself to be a "work in progress" (WIP) hence my title. In life we have many difficult decisions to make and I will write about them here. I have made progress until this point in time and I will write, when I can, on this page. I will share some of my thoughts and feelings, this is meant for someone special that I care about very much and I have done this NOT only for myself but for others to see how I am doing in this little thing called life :) I will also express myself lyrically. Happy reading :)