I can read your poker face

Have you ever woke up with a feeling that you KNOW EVERYTHING! I woke up this morning, and I just knew everything....I just had a deep awareness of everything around me. It was definitely a moment of heightened self awareness! I just knew what was going to happen to me before it happened.I really thought I was going crazy so I googled it to see if anyone else had ever felt this feeling....the results were unsatisfying and very commercial just like everything else in this crazy world.I did,however find some interesting things when I typed "why do I feel like I know everything" into the google search box.I found an article on google.It helped me to realize my feelings for Ayla-Jane is somewhat childish...similar to something that happens to the 7th grader asking about love.I also realize that if I really wanted to love somebody, I would need to spend an incredible amount of time getting to know them. I really want to get to know her, I realized that I was jealous of her ex-boyfriend.This weirdness and madness led me to take myself away from the situation so that I can look at it without my emotions getting in the way. I think that I have been acting childish and it is time for me to take some drastic action. While I told her that I want to distance myself from her......but I'll be back, as I usually am :) I just need some time to figure out what is going on with my emotions.I also know that I can be happy during this "alone" time :) It has been a crazy crazy time for me....but I am glad that I have found this very special person....she does make me really happy.I know she loves her ex and that is perhaps the most real and the most reliable feeling in her life right now! There is uncertainty and doubt in her heart and mind about who I am because the honest truth is, she doesn't KNOW me! I am happy that I have come to this point in my life. Yes I only feel like I know everything, I know that I don't..lol no one does,only God! I am going to get back to my usual routines, and if she wants to be with me....she knows where to find me! :) I love you Ayla-Jane! Listening to Only God knows why by Kid Rock....

Magento!

The good people at the place I applied for my internship decided that they would dangle that carrot over me a little longer.....I have a second task to work on, I have to customize and test their magento script. I am not gonna make the site public just yet for fear of my behind being hung on the line when someone hacks the site....things with my girl have cooled off for now,all dat heat needs some downtime...haha...we need to come back down to earth.....well our breakup story is the craziest...wildest and also the funniest ever! "crack up" lol mmmm....this girl is so intoxicating! shes on my mind 24/7.....but yeah,I can be very focussed when I need to be, when I really want to be......I've been busy babysitting and working from home, I am loging in and modifying product catalogs and development API's before I actually test it as "john john" lol..my shopping cart works...but I'm having issues setting up a products page.

I wanted to talk to my Panda today but....it seems that she was busy.....I am dedicating this post to a very special person...it was the 18th yesterday and NO I haven't forgotten about you Sily! :) You're still a very special person to me......I'm sorry if I made it seem like what we had meant nothing....you still mean alot to me, but this is means sooo much more to me and no I'm not obsessed over this girl...it is the total opposite! :) I am anything but obsessed....I am in love with her but,she is not my obsession right now...my obsession is me...working on myself so I can be a decent guy for her......and it seems so much harder now...but hey!! I try :)

Here's to you Sily baby! I miss you and I'm not afraid to say that! :) hope things work out with your guy! BIG HUG! X

No spanish for me today.....am too tired...laterz.

"On a night like this"

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SOME MILD SEXUAL REFERENCES THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS!

Well thanks for waiting Anonymous girl ;) yeah, I've been busy with my final assessment.....I had been so pre-occupied with my girlfriend issues that i realized it affected my studies.....she has been such a selfish b*$&h lately and I have decided that don't want to keep shovelling her shit anymore! I am so pissed off at her....she needs to grow up! I'm better off waiting around for someone who is actually worth all my trouble. I still care about her and I still love her but....things have changed,she is being very childish.....I can hear the many "I SO YOU TOLD's" coming in right now....yeah yeah, okay fine you're all right! BUT she will come around I know it.....its all my fault for choosing a 17 year old as a girlfriend....she will be eighteen soon...she probably knows how I feel right now.....I could feel her anger and jealousy on the phone....our last conversation ended with "I LOVE YOU" but those words were laced with pain and jealousy from both sides......I do miss her but I already made her my choice...its all up to her now! I have faith that she will eventually make the right choice....she is a good person and I know she loves me....but she is very confused right now......it is confusing me :P

1 night with a sexy panda

We sat at the bus stop drunk with love...or probably drunk with BK cheese....I can still taste the fat in those things.....yuck! WE LOVE FAT! haha....its yummy yuck full of goodness :P

Well our night at the bus stop went on and on and on......we talked about what we wanted in our relationship and we also talked about our break up.....how we were going to break up.....so weird, what couple talks about a break up when they meet for the second time??? We knew we were going to break up and we also knew we'd get back together...we didn't know just how right we were gonna be!! she let me touch her in a special place...our make out session was getting very intense.....then a bunch of kids walked by, they must have been watching us for some time now and as they went right by us...one of the guys dropped his pants to reveal his scrawny little white a** then they all walked away laughing.....bunch of idiots! haha...we thought it was amusing but we didn't care....we were in our own little worlds :) she was so uncertain...about her feelings....maybe because we had never felt anything this intense.....I remember how she kept saying that I wouldn't like to see her without her makeup on.....we stood up and started making out.....that was super hot for me.....then she said that the buses didn't go at this time...somewhere after 11am....so I say in a very  casual voice...."so whats going to happen now?" but I had already known she was gonna take me home tonite...lol and she knew it too...she said "I'm not letting you sleep at a bus stop" So...uhm....off we went :) I was supersmiley.....but at the same time I had a very firm voice in my head telling me that I am not going to do anything but sleep...just sleep with her :) She was pretty special and I don't want to ruin things with her...we both knew that sex would ruin us....but little did I know that it wasn't literal sex.......it was just the notion of wanting someone else....but anyway, the walk to her home was exciting coz it was all new to me....we walked past the bench where she cried on the phone with me...then I sat there as if to put myself in her shoes....and see what she would have seen.....then we got to her door....and she opened up her home...it was messy but I didn't care....as long as I could rest my dizzy head....I was really love drunk....I felt like the whole thing was a dream...until she kissed me.....and hey, that was soo real :) haha...it was intense.....we couldn't keep our hands off each other....but she hit the shower.....while I explored her crib :) tried to get a feel of her....she didn't like me to go in her room...so I stayed out in her living room.....chilling on her couch....waiting for her to get into the bathroom.....we were still making out like crazy then when she finally got inside the bathroom...the light wasn't working....so she had to trust me enough and leave the bathroom door open to let the kitchen light shine through......I was tempted to peek at her but I don't like betraying anyone's trust in me...because I know how bad that feels....I sat on the couch and contemplated how I got to this...being with the girl I just met 3 days ago....being with the girl I've always dreamed about....in her house....WOW! she got out of the shower and had a suspicion that i peeked...but i didn't so she went into her room to change...she didn't want me in her room coz it was messy....understandable :) She got dressed.....in track pants and a warm long sleeved turtleneck black top and grey trackies.....she still looked great :) I prefer her looking casual..it makes her more real to me....I would also have loved to see her without her makeup but.....she wasn't ready to show me her face without makeup. I was already lying on the couch waiting for her to lie with me.....she took her damn time...lol she loved being a tease......so finally she turned out the light then she lay on top of me...and I kissed her passionately then...she lay on my side...while she looked at me....we could still see each other in the dark...and she put snuggled up close and put my left leg between her legs....she was on fire!! haha.....and we started kissing and talking then kissing again...we talked about how unbelievable our relationship has been...3 days......being so in love...how we are so connected to each other.....I really enjoyed how her hands would wander all over my body and my face....almost so naturally....I never noticed it...but I just felt it :) our kisses became more intense....I could feel her legs sqeeze....so we'd stop and take a breather...then go back to talking.....my hands started to wander.....and lol...so unaturally obvious, i moved my hand slowly down her shoulders...onto her soft ass...then up to her lovely tits.....then she slapped my hand and said "oi what are you doing?" LOL!! damn, couldn't sneak that one by....haha she was so alert....damnit! haha....and she wouldn't let me touch her boobies.....until I later calmed down and told her that I really wanted to out of curiousity....I had felt boobs before but these were.......soooo sensational...that I just felt they were fake....I mean...they were SO REAL! but....too good to be true!! they were perfectly round....well shaped....it was almost unrealistic feeling them up...although I didn't get turned on by this...weird, it was more like a curious thing not a horny guy feel......hmm...so I tell her that they were so nice....mmm.....I miss them :( I miss her too..lol but yeah thats all part of her package.....so yeah we talk about her past.....my past.....we talk about our future together and then she says....she loves me and that she is my futurewife and she falls asleep in my arms....or hmm...I think I was the one who went out first...lol.....too love drunk, I coma'd lol.......well I woke up with her...feeling so good....as if we really did do it! lol....I really had that whole "top of the morning" feeling :D haha......she was sooo happy too.....we were so happy that we made it through our first nite together without any sex :) I am so proud of her for stopping me a couple of times during the night....but I wouldn't have done it anyway, I know I'm a really strong guy when it comes to saying no :) she went to the bathroom to shower again.....I went in after then I got out got...took a crap....but forgot to flush (something that would come back to bite me in the bum later on)got dressed made our bed.....then made hot chocolate and used the left over milk....then she comes out and asks me, why I didn't tell her that her mascarra was runny! lol....she looked like a PANDA :) she was my sexy panda....and I loved her even with runny mascarra...lol silly panda.....we keep talking and her sister walks in and catches us with hot chocolate.....finds my crap in her potty,finds out we drank all the milk.....and is outraged just by everything else (coz Ayla-Jane didn't tell her where she was last night....she was with me) she wanted to kick my ass...i know it..lol I NOW KNOW HOW GOLDIELOCKS felt..lol :P and the big bear was soo unhappy! Ayla-Jane got told off.....then she came back to me....i felt VERY unwelcome so I said....I'm gonna go.....and we did eventually leave.....I walked her to work.......feeling such a sad goodbye feeling.....we get to her store...then we hold each other really tight then...let go and I kiss her and tell her I love her...and then....goodbye :( It hurt to be away from her.....but I was happy I found her :) So....yeah, we still talk to each other....but this was our story..how we met.....our status now is slightly more complicated though...but I think of these 4 days as our wonder moments ^__^ the best night of my life.....and our special moment :) I love her soo much!

My spanish word for today....SEXY PANDA LOL!! its not spanish but its still a word :P

how to fall in love with someone even more...in 4 days...yes there is more :P

Well,first off I would like to say sorry to sketches....I will add your subscription on your new email :) no, this isn't spam.....I miss you....but yeah I did something crazy....I gave her my blog address....so I know that my lovely panda is reading this ;) hi...you...uhm....friend :P

Back to my delayed coverage.....on our 4th day of KNOWING each other....I knew I had to see her....and she knew that she had to see me...or else..uhm...we'd die..yep, we'd just fall apart and stop living....maybe not literally but at least metaphorically :P I had been dreaming and wishing for this moment since.....I told her I loved her....so I call this one...hmm I'm kinda torn between 2 titles...

When our worlds collide : A journey into the unknown mysteries inside us ( in simple terms...what happens when we see each other :P) and be careful what you wish for...hmmm...okay the better bet is....drum roll :P

Be careful what you wish for:

Our forth day was perhaps the most exciting physically for both of us,or maybe just one of us...ME :P hmmm..no way, she felt it too! I know it,anyway, I talk to her then I text her the usual "I love you" and THEN I just write "cya" instead of bye or talk to you later or whatever.....so that really made me think....coz I didn't really mean to txt that,it just happened and I didn't even give much thought to it...>I wasn't even thinking I would go to see her....BUT!!! lol I went :D 

I couldn't contain such excitement inside me, I just knew I had to see her......so there I were :P I mean I was......just thinking about going up to Albany...a place that is stranger to me than mars.....or venus for that matter, I had this deep feeling inside me telling me that I had to go and that I had to see her,hold her,kiss her and be with her.....call it whatever it is you want to...but I had this feeling inside of me...I was intoxicated by her love..it made me sooo crazy :) I loved every moment of not knowing what to do next...every moment of not being able to predict the future...to have no clue what would happen next :)

A really good friend of mine offered to help me get to the right place :) thanks AZ....we left after class.....took the bus, this is where he gave me advice and told me about how women here in New Zealand are ;) its a total generalization and I never liked how people classified other people...although it was a natural thing to do, I just don't believe that what he said was true about almost all the women here.......while he did admit that the women here are well formed ;) physically, they are naturally beautiful and they have beautiful,great looking bodies....wonderfully shaped breasts....and lovely behinds, I didn't want to pay too much attention to the physical,since it is a shallow way to look at women. Anyway, I always believed that personality was more important than anything else.....I still do, but how the men are here....just makes me lose heart :( 

They guys here (this is MY generalization..lol) don't appreciate the women as much as they deserve to be appreciated, I think they are like that because there are so many beautiful women in New Zealand....so they tend to just move on.....and they're always looking for something better- an attitude that is very catchy....I feel it too, but I choose to be a decent guy. I know I always have a choice and so I try to make the right choice. I recently had my friend go through a really heartbreaking situation and he called me in the middle of the night....hey man, LN hang in there brass.....you'll pull through. We all have our issues......my issues seem to be as thin as tissues (copyright T-bag :P) I am really enjoying the ride with my current "friend" I feel so close to her and yet so far......she is a wonderful person and I truly do love her with all my heart but I know that she is still so young and she wants to grow up....and she needs to grow up.....my friend has a similar situation,however he is choosing to deal with it in a different way. 

Well, for all the 5 people who are just dying to know what happened on our forth night.....let me continue.....I went down to her store.....her workplace.....I found it, out of the many stores in that mall....I narrowed things down...like the stalker that I am inside..lol :P I walked to the door of the Jeans West and there was this beautiful woman standing at the counter.....I really thought she wasn't her, so I looked around to see if there was anyone else around.......I looked to the back where the changing rooms and then I saw her smile......so uhm...becoz i wasn't sure I smiled back and just hoped that she was the Ayla-Jane I had been craving so much! :) she was....she smiled and walked up to me....and hugged me...it was such an overwhelming feeling, but as a guy, I couldn't give that away :P so I sorta did that, weird hug....by tapping her back.....and rolling my eyes.....and looking around at all the people at the store who had stopped to watch our spectacle :P I felt a little embarrassed but totally happy.....I knew this woman so much that I didn't even hesitate to hold her and feel her body against mine....oh it was sooo good ;) we held on to each other a little longer than we should have....but I felt her hands exploring my body in a very sexual way, that was a little unsettling for me coz I am not used to girls doing that to me but I let it happen coz its her! :P

She was all over the place, I could sense that she didn't have much control over herself becoz I was around...she was so smiley and I had tried so hard to contain my smiley faces......I just was a typical macho macho man :P that was a silly thing for me to do but it was just a natural guy mechanism. She came over to me and pretended to show me some jeans for guys.....although we both knew I wasn't interested in the jeans on the shelf...I was more interested in her short black skirt.....she looked so glamorous and so hot! mmmm....I still have that memory of her playing over and over in my crazy head!....she took me to the changing rooms in the back to show me this bag (which I had pretended to be interested in :P) we wanted to kiss each other so much...it became such an obvious notion....people could just see the love and desire in our eyes, how we looked at each other :) she sat me down in the back and looked straight into my eyes......it made me feel nervous and shy....so I started looking at everything else but her beautiful eyes :) I noticed how she licked her lips and she kept saying.....so and paused briefly and then smiling, she would look deep into my eyes......and I could see how high she was........that made me even higher....we were so absorbed in each other.....her tongue kept rubbing her lips, as if to keep them glossed with her anticipation...I loved how they shined and seemingly asked for my lips to touch hers....but when I lean in towards her she stops me with a finger on my lips *(this was hot too....lol ) I stop and she looks behind me...so I turn to see what she is looking at, it is an elderly woman that walked in to change....so I get embarrassed and I just act all casual....but she didn't seem at all unsettled by this woman....she just keeps saying "not here" and I agree, although I would love to have a hot makeout session with her in a "changing room" mmmm...the idea was so hot but we both knew it was not how we wanted our first kiss......so we didn't...but we kept thinking about it...I left her to get back to work and she said for me to wait up for her......and I really felt that I should just go home coz I was a looong way from home but i was sooo happy with my installation stations....I was happy as a guy could be, by I couldn't help but think how it was for my friends and family and friend family back home...kisses...x I'm cool now, but if you wanna know what this is all about msg me....kisses.xxxxx

lol....i "coma'd" writing the above stuff...just fell asleep.....too much tequilla will killya :P I can't believe how I don't miss my family as much as I thought I would....which is so weird, coz I always thought I'd be a homesick puppy.....but hey, everything happens for a reason :) Our first kiss was at BK lol.....and it was the most incredible feeling ever.....it was just a moment that had to happen the way it happened.....we were talking about how we'd have different levels or steps of knowing each other and I said that step 3 would be....us,finally showing our love to each other physically.....so she asked me in the most innocent way (although she already knew :P) "sooo...uhm...whats step 2??? I stepped 2'd her so good after that ;) ..lol my eyes were open when I was kissing her coz I was more afraid of BK staff...lol but I still felt all her emotion in one kiss....she expressed so much desire and so much love and pleasure with just one kiss....then she wanted more but I was....shy! I didn't like being in public......and she just couldn't care less...I loved how much she wanted me.....no other woman in my life has ever wanted me so much :) but I didn't really want her because she wanted me (I am a weirdo....lol) and I think she could sense and it made her want me even more.....soooo.....she moved over to my seat and it was awkward coz she was beside me.....and I was still acting all shy..lol, then, she gets on top of me sits on my lap and faces me.......this was hott!! we make out like 2 crazy people....crazy for each other ;)

We also spend time talking....so it wasn't all about kissing that night,I loved her personality......she was such a deep thinker, just like me :) she is very smart, very funny...."crack up" her favorite funny phrase....from the way she kissed me I knew she was a sensual person...we keep talking and then she says the we are gonna break up.....I know that at some point in our relationship I will break up with this very intense and amazing woman.....but I also knew that we would find each other again.....what we have goes beyond any "love" that ANYONE has ever felt! but that made it dangerous....I get all nervous coz BK is sooo well lit...lol,even though I enjoyed kissing her so much.....a little voice in my head was saying-"what if someone sees us?" She felt this so she asked me if I wanted to go outside.....smooth :P we then went "some place quiet" more private.....so we could make out better....lol and TALK of cos....we love talking too.....we walk outside holding each other.....it was the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt.....I found her so intoxicating,so contagious,so lovable....so delicious.....I just couldn't snap out of my wonderworld!!! ^__^ 

We walked and talked until we got to a bus stop (yes our bus stop love has certainly flourished :P) We sat down and talked about how strange it was that we were sitting at the bus stop......

and thats all I'm writing today..coz I am tired...but I will continue when I have time....

my spanish word for today is : parada de autobús :)