Each day I awake to her thoughts
Each night I dream a way into her life
I take my pain away by telling myself that she is all I need
I deal with my life behind the thought of her in my life
I live knowing she is there for me
But the truth is far from the world I have created in my mind
Far from the life I live online
The reality of life is more than words on a screen
The reality of love is more than just a phone call and 3 spoken words
With this reality I have become true to myself
With this life I have become real to the people around me
I live no longer for myself but for him that sent me
I love no longer the world but those who truly love me
I seek honesty to take away these lies
I seek justice to take away this pain
I show love to take away the hate that is in this world
I take my life as a reality that I have created, by the one who created all things
Listen to my heart, it cries, as I try to undo the damage that has been done
Listen to these words, they describe my online misery
I am a work in progress and this blog will track my progress in this thing I like to call life :)
About Me
- Freelancer45
- I am a writer, chef and IT Consultant. I enjoy writing about my personal accomplishments and helping people learn new skills.
Monday 30 July 2007
Tuesday 10 July 2007
Things are looking up ;)
Finally things are looking good :) I am happy today,must be that beautiful sunshine! I am happy because I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do about the cause of my sorrow and sadness....just gotta shake this feeling off and keep moving in my life :) It helps when I have good music to help ease my pain...well, it is a sad song but it makes me happy when I sing it....and sing it I do....sang it all day, can't get it outa my head.....helps move things along ;)
I am indulging myself in the simple pleasures of my life...choosing to spend the day reading,writing and learning my language...listening to my Dutch lessons, spanish will follow later.EATING :D I keep doing that to help me grow....cut my hair, that was funny.....lol but I look much more like a happy person now, pics will follow.
here's the song I've been learning to sing perfectly :) - taken of his new album Insomniac, Enrique with "somebody's me" :) loooove thiss sonng ;)
you
do you remember me?
like, i remember you?
do you spend your life going back in your mind to that time?
cause i
i walk the streets alone
i hate being on my own
and everyone can see that
i really fell
and i'm going through hell.
thinking about you with somebody else.
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you. somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody cant breathe, without you its lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
yeaa...
how,
how did we go wrong?
it was so good, and now its gone.
and i pray at night, that our passing will cross.
what we hide, isn't lost.
cause you are always right here in my thoughts..
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you'll see,
that somebody's me.
oh yeah.
you will always be in my life
even if im not in your life.
cause you're in my memory.
you, will you remember me?
and before you set me free,
oh listen please...
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that someday you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
oh yea...
I am indulging myself in the simple pleasures of my life...choosing to spend the day reading,writing and learning my language...listening to my Dutch lessons, spanish will follow later.EATING :D I keep doing that to help me grow....cut my hair, that was funny.....lol but I look much more like a happy person now, pics will follow.
here's the song I've been learning to sing perfectly :) - taken of his new album Insomniac, Enrique with "somebody's me" :) loooove thiss sonng ;)
you
do you remember me?
like, i remember you?
do you spend your life going back in your mind to that time?
cause i
i walk the streets alone
i hate being on my own
and everyone can see that
i really fell
and i'm going through hell.
thinking about you with somebody else.
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you. somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody cant breathe, without you its lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
yeaa...
how,
how did we go wrong?
it was so good, and now its gone.
and i pray at night, that our passing will cross.
what we hide, isn't lost.
cause you are always right here in my thoughts..
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you'll see,
that somebody's me.
oh yeah.
you will always be in my life
even if im not in your life.
cause you're in my memory.
you, will you remember me?
and before you set me free,
oh listen please...
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that someday you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
oh yea...
Monday 9 July 2007
A long hard day ends well?
Haad the worrst day eveer.....just felt so depressed today...but tomorw should bring a biger smile to my face....still crying.....still upset...still messed up....oilei :(
Sunday 8 July 2007
"Life is a jigsaw puzzle......without the picture on the box"
Anyway, I have been working on some new ways to productively and effectively use my time so that I can increase my earnings in a week. I was disappointed that I usually do not get paid on time....due to my "niceness" so I have resolved to be calm yet firm and to deal with these issues in a reasonable manner. Most other businesses especially those I deal with have a constant struggle trying to get their dues on time.....I can see that some parts of my approach to my business may need some adjustments. I have also planned to increase the quality of my work by doing more studies and developing more skills....so far I am only looking at some of these vendor specific training which is something that will help me to better support my customers :)
Sunday 1 July 2007
Progress...hindered?
I went back to my old habits....drinking with an old friend.....guess its true,old habits do die hard! I was upset and I still feel a little bad, not about drinking too much, that was a weakness but what this led me to do! my thoughts went back to Kathy...I called her,I felt that all the effort, all the progress I had made, had been destroyed.I'm also pissed off about the cost of my drinking spree....$120 down the drain...or to be more precise my toilet,some of it..hehe. iamsuchanidiot.
I was so disappointed in myself for this because I had been working on my "strategy" to fall out of love with someone....I heard that women use a "strategy" to make someone fall in love with them....yeah, thats probably easier than falling out of love with someone.It helps to know that there are major differences in our personalities...but I am always looking for excuses....there is no other reason except our religious differences.
Kathy suggested that I seek, professional help....lol! I have the best help available....why pay someone to tell you something about yourself that you already know? honestly, thats what they do....you sit or lay there and talk to yourself...lol
I have knowledge of the bible and it has helped me to get to know myself better....but talking to Kathy also helped me see what I was doing wrong, she was my psychiatrist ...;) truly, she knows me more intimately than any human and I have identified that I am such a sissy! yep...I am so afraid of pain...haha,there I've said it. I didn't want this to hurt so I tried to comfort myself by seeking the company of people who could replace her....I realize that she is irreplaceable, however, I know that I can still get over her. I feel much better talking to myself.My strategy was a failure...but not totally...I think it is working slowly.I had planned to stop expressing my love in any form.Surely, no one can love you back if you don't love them,right? I was so wrong...even if you tell them you hate them...that don't work...I've tried it!but it helps me to deal....I feel that it can work...human love is not a perfect love, it requires maintenance, it requires assurance and if you take that away...it will slowly die.I can feel a loss of love and I think she feels it too.
BUT I guess the only real way forward for me is to BE hurt....to feel sad...to accept that as long as our difference exists....we will never be together :( The cold hard truth is sobering but I know that lies are what I've been telling myself....trying to pretend I don't feel the way I do.....it has ended up in my frustration.I have been doing the work that matters most in my life, this selfless expression of my love for others is refreshing!....I am no longer trying to replace the huge empty space inside me with undesirable things.I have sought forgiveness and I am back on my feet and trying to move on with my life and PROGRESS! Even though, my progress may be hindered...it has NOT stopped!
I was so disappointed in myself for this because I had been working on my "strategy" to fall out of love with someone....I heard that women use a "strategy" to make someone fall in love with them....yeah, thats probably easier than falling out of love with someone.It helps to know that there are major differences in our personalities...but I am always looking for excuses....there is no other reason except our religious differences.
Kathy suggested that I seek, professional help....lol! I have the best help available....why pay someone to tell you something about yourself that you already know? honestly, thats what they do....you sit or lay there and talk to yourself...lol
I have knowledge of the bible and it has helped me to get to know myself better....but talking to Kathy also helped me see what I was doing wrong, she was my psychiatrist ...;) truly, she knows me more intimately than any human and I have identified that I am such a sissy! yep...I am so afraid of pain...haha,there I've said it. I didn't want this to hurt so I tried to comfort myself by seeking the company of people who could replace her....I realize that she is irreplaceable, however, I know that I can still get over her. I feel much better talking to myself.My strategy was a failure...but not totally...I think it is working slowly.I had planned to stop expressing my love in any form.Surely, no one can love you back if you don't love them,right? I was so wrong...even if you tell them you hate them...that don't work...I've tried it!but it helps me to deal....I feel that it can work...human love is not a perfect love, it requires maintenance, it requires assurance and if you take that away...it will slowly die.I can feel a loss of love and I think she feels it too.
BUT I guess the only real way forward for me is to BE hurt....to feel sad...to accept that as long as our difference exists....we will never be together :( The cold hard truth is sobering but I know that lies are what I've been telling myself....trying to pretend I don't feel the way I do.....it has ended up in my frustration.I have been doing the work that matters most in my life, this selfless expression of my love for others is refreshing!....I am no longer trying to replace the huge empty space inside me with undesirable things.I have sought forgiveness and I am back on my feet and trying to move on with my life and PROGRESS! Even though, my progress may be hindered...it has NOT stopped!
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