Progress...hindered?

I went back to my old habits....drinking with an old friend.....guess its true,old habits do die hard! I was upset and I still feel a little bad, not about drinking too much, that was a weakness but what this led me to do! my thoughts went back to Kathy...I called her,I felt that all the effort, all the progress I had made, had been destroyed.I'm also pissed off about the cost of my drinking spree....$120 down the drain...or to be more precise my toilet,some of it..hehe. iamsuchanidiot.

I was so disappointed in myself for this because I had been working on my "strategy" to fall out of love with someone....I heard that women use a "strategy" to make someone fall in love with them....yeah, thats probably easier than falling out of love with someone.It helps to know that there are major differences in our personalities...but I am always looking for excuses....there is no other reason except our religious differences.

Kathy suggested that I seek, professional help....lol! I have the best help available....why pay someone to tell you something about yourself that you already know? honestly, thats what they do....you sit or lay there and talk to yourself...lol
I have knowledge of the bible and it has helped me to get to know myself better....but talking to Kathy also helped me see what I was doing wrong, she was my psychiatrist ...;) truly, she knows me more intimately than any human and I have identified that I am such a sissy! yep...I am so afraid of pain...haha,there I've said it. I didn't want this to hurt so I tried to comfort myself by seeking the company of people who could replace her....I realize that she is irreplaceable, however, I know that I can still get over her. I feel much better talking to myself.My strategy was a failure...but not totally...I think it is working slowly.I had planned to stop expressing my love in any form.Surely, no one can love you back if you don't love them,right? I was so wrong...even if you tell them you hate them...that don't work...I've tried it!but it helps me to deal....I feel that it can work...human love is not a perfect love, it requires maintenance, it requires assurance and if you take that away...it will slowly die.I can feel a loss of love and I think she feels it too.

BUT I guess the only real way forward for me is to BE hurt....to feel sad...to accept that as long as our difference exists....we will never be together :( The cold hard truth is sobering but I know that lies are what I've been telling myself....trying to pretend I don't feel the way I do.....it has ended up in my frustration.I have been doing the work that matters most in my life, this selfless expression of my love for others is refreshing!....I am no longer trying to replace the huge empty space inside me with undesirable things.I have sought forgiveness and I am back on my feet and trying to move on with my life and PROGRESS! Even though, my progress may be hindered...it has NOT stopped!