Each day I awake to her thoughts
Each night I dream a way into her life
I take my pain away by telling myself that she is all I need
I deal with my life behind the thought of her in my life
I live knowing she is there for me
But the truth is far from the world I have created in my mind
Far from the life I live online
The reality of life is more than words on a screen
The reality of love is more than just a phone call and 3 spoken words
With this reality I have become true to myself
With this life I have become real to the people around me
I live no longer for myself but for him that sent me
I love no longer the world but those who truly love me
I seek honesty to take away these lies
I seek justice to take away this pain
I show love to take away the hate that is in this world
I take my life as a reality that I have created, by the one who created all things
Listen to my heart, it cries, as I try to undo the damage that has been done
Listen to these words, they describe my online misery
I am a work in progress and this blog will track my progress in this thing I like to call life :)
About Me
- Freelancer45
- I am a writer, chef and IT Consultant. I enjoy writing about my personal accomplishments and helping people learn new skills.
Monday, 30 July 2007
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
Things are looking up ;)
Finally things are looking good :) I am happy today,must be that beautiful sunshine! I am happy because I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do about the cause of my sorrow and sadness....just gotta shake this feeling off and keep moving in my life :) It helps when I have good music to help ease my pain...well, it is a sad song but it makes me happy when I sing it....and sing it I do....sang it all day, can't get it outa my head.....helps move things along ;)
I am indulging myself in the simple pleasures of my life...choosing to spend the day reading,writing and learning my language...listening to my Dutch lessons, spanish will follow later.EATING :D I keep doing that to help me grow....cut my hair, that was funny.....lol but I look much more like a happy person now, pics will follow.
here's the song I've been learning to sing perfectly :) - taken of his new album Insomniac, Enrique with "somebody's me" :) loooove thiss sonng ;)
you
do you remember me?
like, i remember you?
do you spend your life going back in your mind to that time?
cause i
i walk the streets alone
i hate being on my own
and everyone can see that
i really fell
and i'm going through hell.
thinking about you with somebody else.
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you. somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody cant breathe, without you its lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
yeaa...
how,
how did we go wrong?
it was so good, and now its gone.
and i pray at night, that our passing will cross.
what we hide, isn't lost.
cause you are always right here in my thoughts..
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you'll see,
that somebody's me.
oh yeah.
you will always be in my life
even if im not in your life.
cause you're in my memory.
you, will you remember me?
and before you set me free,
oh listen please...
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that someday you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
oh yea...
I am indulging myself in the simple pleasures of my life...choosing to spend the day reading,writing and learning my language...listening to my Dutch lessons, spanish will follow later.EATING :D I keep doing that to help me grow....cut my hair, that was funny.....lol but I look much more like a happy person now, pics will follow.
here's the song I've been learning to sing perfectly :) - taken of his new album Insomniac, Enrique with "somebody's me" :) loooove thiss sonng ;)
you
do you remember me?
like, i remember you?
do you spend your life going back in your mind to that time?
cause i
i walk the streets alone
i hate being on my own
and everyone can see that
i really fell
and i'm going through hell.
thinking about you with somebody else.
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you. somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody cant breathe, without you its lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
yeaa...
how,
how did we go wrong?
it was so good, and now its gone.
and i pray at night, that our passing will cross.
what we hide, isn't lost.
cause you are always right here in my thoughts..
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that one day you'll see,
that somebody's me.
oh yeah.
you will always be in my life
even if im not in your life.
cause you're in my memory.
you, will you remember me?
and before you set me free,
oh listen please...
somebody wants you,
somebody needs you.
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
somebody hopes that someday you will see,
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
that somebody's me.
oh yea...
Monday, 9 July 2007
A long hard day ends well?
Haad the worrst day eveer.....just felt so depressed today...but tomorw should bring a biger smile to my face....still crying.....still upset...still messed up....oilei :(
Sunday, 8 July 2007
"Life is a jigsaw puzzle......without the picture on the box"
Anyway, I have been working on some new ways to productively and effectively use my time so that I can increase my earnings in a week. I was disappointed that I usually do not get paid on time....due to my "niceness" so I have resolved to be calm yet firm and to deal with these issues in a reasonable manner. Most other businesses especially those I deal with have a constant struggle trying to get their dues on time.....I can see that some parts of my approach to my business may need some adjustments. I have also planned to increase the quality of my work by doing more studies and developing more skills....so far I am only looking at some of these vendor specific training which is something that will help me to better support my customers :)
Sunday, 1 July 2007
Progress...hindered?
I went back to my old habits....drinking with an old friend.....guess its true,old habits do die hard! I was upset and I still feel a little bad, not about drinking too much, that was a weakness but what this led me to do! my thoughts went back to Kathy...I called her,I felt that all the effort, all the progress I had made, had been destroyed.I'm also pissed off about the cost of my drinking spree....$120 down the drain...or to be more precise my toilet,some of it..hehe. iamsuchanidiot.
I was so disappointed in myself for this because I had been working on my "strategy" to fall out of love with someone....I heard that women use a "strategy" to make someone fall in love with them....yeah, thats probably easier than falling out of love with someone.It helps to know that there are major differences in our personalities...but I am always looking for excuses....there is no other reason except our religious differences.
Kathy suggested that I seek, professional help....lol! I have the best help available....why pay someone to tell you something about yourself that you already know? honestly, thats what they do....you sit or lay there and talk to yourself...lol
I have knowledge of the bible and it has helped me to get to know myself better....but talking to Kathy also helped me see what I was doing wrong, she was my psychiatrist ...;) truly, she knows me more intimately than any human and I have identified that I am such a sissy! yep...I am so afraid of pain...haha,there I've said it. I didn't want this to hurt so I tried to comfort myself by seeking the company of people who could replace her....I realize that she is irreplaceable, however, I know that I can still get over her. I feel much better talking to myself.My strategy was a failure...but not totally...I think it is working slowly.I had planned to stop expressing my love in any form.Surely, no one can love you back if you don't love them,right? I was so wrong...even if you tell them you hate them...that don't work...I've tried it!but it helps me to deal....I feel that it can work...human love is not a perfect love, it requires maintenance, it requires assurance and if you take that away...it will slowly die.I can feel a loss of love and I think she feels it too.
BUT I guess the only real way forward for me is to BE hurt....to feel sad...to accept that as long as our difference exists....we will never be together :( The cold hard truth is sobering but I know that lies are what I've been telling myself....trying to pretend I don't feel the way I do.....it has ended up in my frustration.I have been doing the work that matters most in my life, this selfless expression of my love for others is refreshing!....I am no longer trying to replace the huge empty space inside me with undesirable things.I have sought forgiveness and I am back on my feet and trying to move on with my life and PROGRESS! Even though, my progress may be hindered...it has NOT stopped!
I was so disappointed in myself for this because I had been working on my "strategy" to fall out of love with someone....I heard that women use a "strategy" to make someone fall in love with them....yeah, thats probably easier than falling out of love with someone.It helps to know that there are major differences in our personalities...but I am always looking for excuses....there is no other reason except our religious differences.
Kathy suggested that I seek, professional help....lol! I have the best help available....why pay someone to tell you something about yourself that you already know? honestly, thats what they do....you sit or lay there and talk to yourself...lol
I have knowledge of the bible and it has helped me to get to know myself better....but talking to Kathy also helped me see what I was doing wrong, she was my psychiatrist ...;) truly, she knows me more intimately than any human and I have identified that I am such a sissy! yep...I am so afraid of pain...haha,there I've said it. I didn't want this to hurt so I tried to comfort myself by seeking the company of people who could replace her....I realize that she is irreplaceable, however, I know that I can still get over her. I feel much better talking to myself.My strategy was a failure...but not totally...I think it is working slowly.I had planned to stop expressing my love in any form.Surely, no one can love you back if you don't love them,right? I was so wrong...even if you tell them you hate them...that don't work...I've tried it!but it helps me to deal....I feel that it can work...human love is not a perfect love, it requires maintenance, it requires assurance and if you take that away...it will slowly die.I can feel a loss of love and I think she feels it too.
BUT I guess the only real way forward for me is to BE hurt....to feel sad...to accept that as long as our difference exists....we will never be together :( The cold hard truth is sobering but I know that lies are what I've been telling myself....trying to pretend I don't feel the way I do.....it has ended up in my frustration.I have been doing the work that matters most in my life, this selfless expression of my love for others is refreshing!....I am no longer trying to replace the huge empty space inside me with undesirable things.I have sought forgiveness and I am back on my feet and trying to move on with my life and PROGRESS! Even though, my progress may be hindered...it has NOT stopped!
Thursday, 28 June 2007
still stuck :(
I got my injection yesterday, it was a real pain in the a** :P literally! hehe....I also weighed myself yesterday and I was still the same weight :( 68K I think it is because I am still under emotional stress...I sure hope this will go away soon and I can reach my former ideal weight of 74K anyway, I got another message from Kathy and this time she asks me a few questions that she already knows the answer to....but for the sake of getting over this, I did not answer. I am sorry that I cannot be there for her like I used to, but I think that after the worst is over...she will be fine. I feel so crushed with each message but, I am determined to do what I have decided to do. I feel so empty physically but emotionally,I have the support of my friends and family to help me get through this and my work to keep me busy.I only hope that she finds comfort in this difficult time.
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
another journey begins!
I got a message from Kathy and it made me feel so sad...but I knew not to reply....if she was ever going to get over me, and if I am going to move on,this is what I needed to do....It doesn't hurt as much now because I have filled the void in my life with God and my dear friends...and because I am keeping myself busy. I am feeling happy about my progress and I have to put some goals up and then make a positive move towards attaining them! Emotionally, I am still not in a good state to make any goals,but I will put up some ideas and some thoughts on how I plan to fulfill certain objectives I have in mind.....er...uhm...tomorrow :P
I definitely need to work on my procrastination...it is a major weakness I hope to eradicate completely! :S
I definitely need to work on my procrastination...it is a major weakness I hope to eradicate completely! :S
Monday, 25 June 2007
my long journey ends ;)
finally I am home, tired but happy! had the best 3 days ever! I truly feel blessed!
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
I remember everything that you were to me.....
For the sake of her privacy, which she is very particular about! I will refer to my former lover as Kathy throughout my blog.
It is the first day and I am in the process of restoring myself after a messy breakup,no matter how hard you try and make it easy or clean, you never can end it in a nice way or quickly :( There is NO nice way to end a relationship that is very intimate. I remember how intimate we got, and I remember being unsure, feeling rushed, she never really understood why I felt that way, since I didn't really try to tell her :( because I wanted her so much, my heart was leading me away from what I knew.Indeed,based on my knowledge of the bible, which I had left well behind me, when pursuing what my heart wanted. I cannot serve my God and yet pursue what my heart wanted. Serving God is a selfless path, the total opposite of doing what I want. I have tried to reason with her, she has failed to see reason,her values are different from mine..Today I bought a blank DVD to put away all my memories of her, I have to look at it again :( to select what I need to remove from my computer.
I am burning these memories away
crying these tears away
hoping that someday
Love will find a way
I am leaving my fears behind
turning to God who is kind
hoping one day she will find
the savior of mankind
I know it will not be easy
so I keep myself ever so busy
In my work and in my ministry
trying to retain my negative,positivity
I live not for myself but for my Father now
no longer for the present, the "here and now"
I do his will and in his name I profess
I know this decision my God will bless
If this is really the bitter end so be it
for what comes after is said to be sweet
If this is only the beginning then let it be
For only God can judge this love between you and me!
Burn process completed successfully! Total Size 1.774 Gigabytes Total Time: 6:52
It is the first day and I am in the process of restoring myself after a messy breakup,no matter how hard you try and make it easy or clean, you never can end it in a nice way or quickly :( There is NO nice way to end a relationship that is very intimate. I remember how intimate we got, and I remember being unsure, feeling rushed, she never really understood why I felt that way, since I didn't really try to tell her :( because I wanted her so much, my heart was leading me away from what I knew.Indeed,based on my knowledge of the bible, which I had left well behind me, when pursuing what my heart wanted. I cannot serve my God and yet pursue what my heart wanted. Serving God is a selfless path, the total opposite of doing what I want. I have tried to reason with her, she has failed to see reason,her values are different from mine..Today I bought a blank DVD to put away all my memories of her, I have to look at it again :( to select what I need to remove from my computer.
I am burning these memories away
crying these tears away
hoping that someday
Love will find a way
I am leaving my fears behind
turning to God who is kind
hoping one day she will find
the savior of mankind
I know it will not be easy
so I keep myself ever so busy
In my work and in my ministry
trying to retain my negative,positivity
I live not for myself but for my Father now
no longer for the present, the "here and now"
I do his will and in his name I profess
I know this decision my God will bless
If this is really the bitter end so be it
for what comes after is said to be sweet
If this is only the beginning then let it be
For only God can judge this love between you and me!
Burn process completed successfully! Total Size 1.774 Gigabytes Total Time: 6:52
I wish it would rain :'(
Sunshine,blue skies,please go away...my love has found another, and with her went my future
And day after day I stay locked up in my room :(
I know to you it might sound strange but I wish that it would rain
wash away the sorrow and pain
It hurts so badly I wanna stay outside
Coz everyone knows that I'm not supposed to cry
I've got to cry coz crying eases my pain
All this hurt I feel inside words can't even explain
I just wish it would rain, wash away this pain
The anguish of my distant pain thrust against my window pane
My heart searches the skies desperately for rain
If I can hide my tear drops no one would ever know
That I'm crying, crying each time I walk out the door
Everytime I look up to the skies, what do I see?
The raindrops from the heavens they're falling down on me
what do I have to do to end this crazy mess and pain
The hurt and memories they're still driving me insane
God tell me,what I have to do to make it right
Stop this heartache this struggle and this strife
I wish it would rain especially tonight
Let me feel the teardrops gushing down my eyes
Can you please just let it rain
wash away my tears and pain.....
Dedicated to the source of my pain and tears :(
And day after day I stay locked up in my room :(
I know to you it might sound strange but I wish that it would rain
wash away the sorrow and pain
It hurts so badly I wanna stay outside
Coz everyone knows that I'm not supposed to cry
I've got to cry coz crying eases my pain
All this hurt I feel inside words can't even explain
I just wish it would rain, wash away this pain
The anguish of my distant pain thrust against my window pane
My heart searches the skies desperately for rain
If I can hide my tear drops no one would ever know
That I'm crying, crying each time I walk out the door
Everytime I look up to the skies, what do I see?
The raindrops from the heavens they're falling down on me
what do I have to do to end this crazy mess and pain
The hurt and memories they're still driving me insane
God tell me,what I have to do to make it right
Stop this heartache this struggle and this strife
I wish it would rain especially tonight
Let me feel the teardrops gushing down my eyes
Can you please just let it rain
wash away my tears and pain.....
Dedicated to the source of my pain and tears :(
I am a Work In Progress :)
This blog is about my personal life and my attempts to be a better person. My goals, my dreams and my plans. I consider myself to be a "work in progress" (WIP) hence my title. In life we have many difficult decisions to make and I will write about them here. I have made progress until this point in time and I will write, when I can, on this page. I will share some of my thoughts and feelings, this is meant for someone special that I care about very much and I have done this NOT only for myself but for others to see how I am doing in this little thing called life :) I will also express myself lyrically. Happy reading :)
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