"Breakups-just a symptom of young love....growing old"

I have found myself without the desire or the bandwidth to post anything new lately....hmmm....i wonder if there’s a "connection" between the two?? lol I have been able to lift myself out of a sad and depressed state of mind..it took a lot from me emotionally, I am someone who never says "die" but a few weeks ago...that’s exactly what I wanted to do...just rot away like an insignificant piece of history (unlike Michael Jacksman) He died, apparently as some sort of hero to many people....but I really wasn't overly sad about the whole thing because I know why parasocial interaction makes people feel connected and some even feel loved by a popstar. I must give him credit for his brilliance though, he was uniquely MJ. This is not a tribute to him, more like an acknowledgement...unfortunately.So if by the amazingly odd chance that google still managed to bring you here ….move along buddy :P damn crawlers… I find it funny that when he was alive no one seemed to care....as much as when he died. I wonder if anyone would remember me if I died....but then again, I couldn't care....I'd be dead :P

Dreams of walking the streets of my childhood seem to taunt me....I had dreams of my friends...my family,especially my brother...cheap internet(even if it was slow) lol I can't help but miss it all! and yet, I do not feel that I am ready to go back to all of that....I even feel a little afraid that I am too used to the luxuries of being here in New Zealand like....an uninterrupted supply of…..water, L&P and cheap chocolate fixes :P it’s just not my time yet...I feel unaccomplished and I feel like it would be a waste if I just gave up and went back home right now...but that options seems more appealing as the days pass me by....5 months, that’s how long I have waited for my application to legally work in New Zealand, it’s crazy! I could accomplish far more back at home in the same time frame....I managed to contact my accounts advisor in Fiji…Joyce..she got married (way to make a single guy feel pressured.lol) she is writing up a reference for me….yeah I am officially single again (ladies hint, hint;) lol after giving my dearest Alyssa the "just friends" speech BUT this time....I meant every word and she understood and took it so well :) that’s why she is such a pumpkin :).I have lost a lot of passion in my life....hence the suspicion that I was depressed...but getting over the feelings of sadness and worthlessness...made me realize...I still don't have the fire inside me that drives me. I have stopped feeling "love" of any kind toward even my family...don’t get me wrong, I am still the same caring person...and I care about everyone I love that hasn't changed and I still have slightly waned feelings of love but...I just don't love everyone that I care about...it’s a weird unflattering feeling….I know!! SAD!! (Seasonal Affected Disorder) that’s what my crazy self diagnosis revealed. I also thought early mid-life crisis??? Anyone know what is up with me??YEHLP! There is definitely something UP with me….I honestly don’t feel like the same person I was before I went through all the tragedy of being unable to adapt to my new circumstances which seem to be very unfavorable at the moment! Psychiatrist anyone?? lol

I deal with it coz….like my brother used to say “sh*t happens” and I usually say yeah and sometimes I happen to sh*t….in da toilet, the place my life seems to be heading right now! I am not all doom and gloom however, I get a little bit of relief everytime I share the sad story of my life with someone….coz I know that things could be worse and there are people out there with much more to deal with than just not being able to work in a country that you spent a year in studying behind off in..ahhhhh…sorry :P. I was reading the newspaper and I actually considered being a sperm donor because I thought it wouldn’t count as work and I would feel good being able to help some infertile couple have children….but I don’t know…maybe I don’t feel like being a clone by 2020 :P Anyway, enough about me…although that’s usually why people read this….they want to know what is going on with me…..uhm so what else happened to me?? Hmmm….let me see…oh oh I met Maria the girl next door, and we went to the library again :) after talking to her about what she is doing with her life….i got an email from her on Monday saying that she is back in school!! Yay!! SEE! I’m not so useless after all :D good on her! I find that young people here just don’t have the right kind of reasoning. They think school is for fools…..maybe true lol but there is a practical side to being educated to a certain level. I feel everyone should at least know how to read and work with numbers, basically just adding,dividing,multiplying and subtracting (not necessarily in that order, I won’t be held responsible for your corrections) and everyone should at least know how to interpret and apply what they learn, to me THAT...is education….the rest is just stuff you learn because you CHOOSE to. People have been successful without having higher level education. Education is overrated.
I’m typing this in the library…so maybe I should remove all my exclamation marks?…shhhh! :P I am still feeling weirdly “emotionally neutral” (yep that’s what I’m calling it) but I feel generally good, okay,alright,set,cool,average,in the middle-ish. I am neither happy nor sad…but I do at times feel a surge of “happy” when I get a call from my friends (ahem…hint hint ;) things are looking up though, this is the last month I will endure this crappy wait for my papers……by the end of July if I don’t get any word on the progress for my application. I am most definitely going to withdraw my application and go home!..I am gonna list some of my goals on here soon….so if I succeed…I’ll be happy and if I fail….I will be humiliated…publicly! And forever known as a total failure :P If that doesn’t induce some passion, if not panic…into my life then I don’t know what will lol
Hasta la vista…..baby! :P my Spanish word(s) for today….eeeer why not?? :P